


Freaky Friday

by subminimal (markymark261)



Series: Changing Minds [1]
Category: Batman (Comics), Smallville
Genre: Bodyswap, Future Fic, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-19
Updated: 2012-03-19
Packaged: 2017-11-02 05:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/365439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markymark261/pseuds/subminimal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Superman & Lana's futures intertwine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Freaky Friday

It was late Friday night and Superman slumped down next to Lois on the sofa, both of them shattered. It had been like this every night recently.

Superman had been busy ridding the world of evil, but whereas, in the good old days, it had been just a freak a week plaguing him, now it seemed more like a mutant a minute. Lois, on the other hand, was risking repetitive strain injury with her attempts to type up all of her husband's exploits.

"Finished for the day?" asked Lois, concerned about the shadow of the man she married sitting next to her. Of course she knew the answer before she asked the question.

"'Fraid not, Lois, the bad guys just keep multiplying. I just popped back for five minutes."

"Here, have some coffee. It'll help keep you awake," she said, passing him the pink carton of coffee with the familiar three Ls logo on the side.

Superman, too tired to get into a fight with Lois, started to drink the coffee. Despite his invulnerability, Lana's coffee could still make him queasy, even though everybody else adored it.

Lois looked at Clark as he drank his coffee, and, looking at the pink carton, her thoughts turned to Lana, who'd no doubt be relaxing on her luxury pink yacht this weekend, while she and Clark would be working as hard as ever. Who'd have realized all those years ago back in Smallville that Lana Lang would grow up to be a coffee mogul, richer than Lex, with her La La Land chain of shops soon eclipsing Starbucks? Of course Lana's success was mainly down to her delicious secret recipe, but even Lois had been unable to prise the details of that out of her.

Her thoughts then returned to Clark, as she noticed that he'd fallen asleep. Slowly, being careful not to disturb him, she placed his coffee carton on the table, took his boots off, loosened his cape and then, throwing a cover over him, she went into the bedroom and her waiting laptop - she didn't have the luxury of sleep, there were still deadlines to catch up on.

Meanwhile Clark slept soundly. Lois had switched the light off on her way out and he was surrounded by complete darkness, apart, that is, from the imperceptible green glow coming from his unfinished coffee.

THE END


	2. So What Happens Next?

Pete Ross smiled to himself as he typed the words "THE END". His short story was finished and he hoped Clark would get a kick out of it (mainly because Clark and Lois were the only ones it was intended for). Just imagine, Lana's coffee containing kryptonite. What a preposterous idea.

Of course this wasn't the first story Pete had written. Sure, Clark and Lois considered themselves writers but, to be kind, they were nowhere near being in Pete's league. He was a renaissance man, but only he knew it. His laptop was crammed full of multitudinous works of genius in numerous separate fields, but there was no way Pete could share it with the world. After all, ever since he'd found out about Clark being Superman, he'd devoted his life to trying not to draw any attention to himself, in fear of people finding out his secret (well, Clark's secret to be strictly accurate). Nobody fully appreciated the sacrifices Pete made, and the difficulties he had in hiding his brilliance.

Suddenly, Pete was distracted from his thoughts by an angelic voice.

"So, what are you doing, Pete?"

It was Lana, his boss at La La Land, standing in the doorway. He'd been so wrapped up in finishing his story he'd not heard her enter his office. How could he have been that stupid?

Quickly closing his laptop, he decided the best course of action was to just tell the truth - that was normally enough to fool Lana (or at least it used to be).

"I was writing a short story about Superman, and all those mutants he's been having to fight recently. I blamed it on La La Land's kryptonite coffee."

"So what happens next?" asked a wide-eyed (even for Lana) Lana.

Pete looked blank.

"That's it. The end. The coffee keeps making the mutants stronger and Superman weaker. It's totally hilarious, believe me."

"And I'm the villain of the piece?" asked Lana, sounding sad.

"No, I just assumed you'd dropped your green necklace in some coffee one day and liked the resulting taste. After all, there's no way you could be the villain, you're just so innocent and ..." Pete stopped mid-sentence.

Suddenly a satanic smile crossed Lana's face. "I think the word you're looking for is _naive_."

"No, no, of course not," lied Pete.

Lana walked over to the sitting Pete and grabbed hold of his tie. "That's right Pete. I'm far from naive. Now tell me what you know, and make it quick."

"But, but..." he protested, as Lana pulled his tie tighter and tighter round his throat.

"I've no time for games, Ross," said Lana, letting go of his tie and delivering a powerful kick to Pete's head.

As Pete's unconscious body slumped off the chair onto the ground, Lana opened his laptop and started hacking her way through his numerous passwords. At last she got to his documents and was amazed by how much drivel was in there. Pete obviously thought that he was some sort of novelist, and musician, and architect, and playwright, and poet, and so many other things, but all of the evidence on his laptop was to the contrary. As she looked in disdain at the musical "Hair" he'd written about Clark Kent, the numerous Lana sonnets, and yet another chapter of his autobiography that he yet again failed to make an appearance in, she began to think she'd never find what she wanted.

And then she found it. Even the title "Freaky Friday" suggested that Pete Ross knew a lot more than he was letting on. And then she read it, and couldn't believe it, and had to read it once more. And then she stood, over the unmoving body of Pete Ross, threw her head back and let out a maniacal laugh which seemed to go on forever and ever, for now she knew the truth.

Clark Kent was Superman.

It was time to pay a visit to Metropolis, her and all the other Lanas. Superman wouldn't know what hit him.


	3. Awakenings

Pete Ross slowly regained consciousness, and as he did so he heard a voice.

"Wake up and smell the coffee!"

It was Lana's voice, but this time it was tinged with evil. Slowly he opened his eyes and saw an upside-down Lana looking back at him, but there was something different about her, something that threatened the very foundation of Pete's belief system. This Lana wasn't wearing any pink, but was instead dressed solely in black.

The next thing Pete noticed was that it was he, rather than Lana, who was upside-down. This evil Dark Lana had suspended him, from the ceiling, over a large green glowing vat of molten coffee.

"So, Pete, awake at last. I'm only keeping you alive out of a sense of gratitude. After all, it's thanks to you that I found out Clark was Superman."

Lana paused for dramatic effect, enjoying the defeated look that appeared on Pete's face as he realized that he'd inadvertently given away Clark's secret.

"You're probably wondering what I've got planned next, but you'll never guess. Not in a million years."

Pete, trying to appear nonchalant, said the first most absurd idea that came into his head:

"Remember that scientist guy who cloned one of your childhood friends. I bet he also secretly stole some cells from you at the same time and for all these years there's been a set of Lana clones growing up in some hidden location. I bet you've found them and have been exposing them to green rocks, raising your own, for want of a better term, Legion Of Super-Lanas."

"Damn, you're good, Ross. Long-winded and exposition-heavy admittedly, but good nonetheless."

"But what about me?" asked Pete, wondering if all his wild ideas could turn into reality. "Surely you're not going to use all of your considerable womanly wiles on me to try and get me to turn my talents towards evil."

"Right again, Pete. That's exactly what I'm not going to do. You're just the, for want of a better term, damsel in distress."

"Damsel in distress?"

"Hey, it's no big deal. I've done it hundreds of time. Clark always saved me. Providing we don't kill him, you should be fine. Now, you just hang around here, and I'll be back in no time."

*****

Meanwhile, somewhere in a hidden cave, twenty five teenage Lanas, bathed in a green light, suddenly awoke for the first time. All of their sleep had been peaceful, except for one Lana. She'd just had a dream. A dream in which Clark Kent, in a tattered and torn Superman costume, was covered from head to toe in blood. Unlike most other dreams dreamt that day, this was a dream that would come true.


	4. Attack Of The 50 Foot Lana

The living embodiment of evil that was Lana Lang sat in a Metropolis diner, looking proudly at her army of super-powered Lana clones, pretty in pink. It was their first ever meal and they were devouring it like a pack of wild animals. In fact, one of the Lanas, thanks to her kryptonite-granted super-power, was also devouring the table.

And then the Lanas started talking, and the proud gaze turned to a grimace as the black-clad Lana had to endure the inane prattle of 25 teenage Lanas. It was her own fault - for the last year she'd been continuously playing the sleeping clones a twenty minute audiotape containing all of the teenage Lana's knowledge and wisdom. Fortunately for Lana, the meals, and the tables, didn't last long and it was soon time to leave. Lana paid the bill, along with a large tip to the waitress, and suddenly twenty five pairs of eyes were staring daggers at her.

"There was no need to tip her," snarled the Lana clones in threatening unison.

Dark Lana smiled as she remembered the Lana Lang of old, back at the Talon, and her face that launched a thousand tips (and that was on a bad day). For these Lana clones to be against tipping proved one thing. They were truly evil. Of course kryptonite-generated metahumans tended to be evil in 99% of cases, but it was still reassuring to have this confirmation.

"Let's get to work," ordered Dark Lana, as she punched the waitress and re-claimed her tip.

The twenty five Lana clones strolled out of the diner and down the street in their matching pink jackets, trousers and sunglasses, with Bad Guy Lana following closely behind.

"There's no way Clark will recognize us with these sunglasses on," observed Lana.

"Yeah," giggled Lana. "But what will we call each other?"

"We need codenames," said Lana.

"Great idea," responded Lana.

"I'll be Miss Pink," said 25 Lanas simultaneously.

*****

Clark had just gotten in, and hadn't had the time to change out of his work clothes. His super-hearing could hear Lois in the kitchen putting something in the microwave.

"Hi honey, I'm home," he shouted, as he slumped down on the sofa. And then everything went dark.

He looked at the window to see that somebody had placed some giant pink thing there blocking out the sun. The next thing he saw was a giant hand reach in and grab him, and the next moment he was outside looking up at a giant teenage Lana Lang (although the sunglasses fooled him for a moment).

The giant Lana looked down at Superman. According to Dark Lana, this guy and Clark Kent were the same person. And that person had jilted Lana all those years ago, leaving her to a life of misery and billionairedom. It was payback time.

"You don't know who I am, but I know who you are, and at last I've got you just where I want you, Superman. Right here in the palm of my hand."

And then she squeezed the Man Of Steel with all of her might.

Meanwhile, back in Lois and Clark's apartment, the giant Lana's other hand deposited Dark Lana in Lois and Clark's living room. Soon Dark Lana had found her way to the kitchen, much to Lois' surprise.

"Lana?" asked a confused Lois.

"Hello, Lois. Long time, no see."

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, Lois, apart from contaminating the nation's coffee supply with kryptonite, and setting an army of teenage super Lanas on Superman, I've come for you."

"You've got to be kidding me?" laughed Lois, looking around for a hidden camera of some kind.

Lana clenched her fists. She hated not being taken seriously. "Don't underestimate me, Lois."

"I don't think it's possible, Lana. Besides you're ... you're ... I don't believe it ..."

"Say it, Lois."

"You're not wearing any pink!" screamed Lois in horror.

"At last the penny's dropped. That's right Lois, I've changed more than you could ever imagine. I'm no longer the sweet and innocent Lana that you used to know. That Lana died the day Clark chose Lois over Lana. My heart was broken that night, Lois, and I swore revenge. Today that revenge will come about, as I remove all the obstacles in the path of true love. Naturally, murder will be involved."

"You're going to kill me, and take Clark for yourself?"

"The exact opposite, Lois."

Lana took a struggling Lois in her arms and kissed her on the lips. It was a kiss Lois had felt before.

"Lex?"


	5. It's Time For Lana: Maniac

Lana's giant fingers continued trying to crush Superman. Once upon a time this out-size Lana would have posed no threat to Superman, but he'd been fighting coffee-drinking mutants for forty-eight hours straight and was just too exhausted to fight back. Fortunately his invulnerability meant that he was only suffering severe discomfort rather than the instant death anybody else would have experienced.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, the giant Lana got bored with Superman. It was time for her sisters to have a turn, she decided, as she dropped him to the ground and stamped on him with her colossal shoe. As she lifted her shoe, leaving a bruised Superman lying in her footprint on the shattered sidewalk, the other 24 Lanas swarmed in on the Man of Steel. One of the Lanas touched the concrete sidewalk beneath him, transforming it to kryptonite. Another Lana made him as light as a feather, briefly floating him away from the now deadly pavement, before yet another Lana made him super-heavy smashing him back down to the green glowing ground. As Superman convulsed on the pavement, the kryptonite's deadly rays killing him, one of the Lana's climbed on top of him, and ripped off her sunglasses.

"That's right, Clark. It's been me, Lana Lang, all along."

As Superman drifted off into unconsciousness, and saw the teenage Lana Lang looking down at him, his mind went back to a day long ago. A day in Smallville. The last time he'd seen Lana Lang.

Lana Lang looked down at Clark Kent and his exposed chest lying beneath her. He was back from Metropolis for the weekend visiting his mother, but he'd visited her at The Talon and things had progressed from there. Now they were in the back of a car (one of the many abandoned semi-smashed cars that populated the sides of Smallville's high-risk roads). As the two extraordinarily good-looking youngsters gazed deeply into each others eyes, in a vain hope of catching a glimpse of their own reflection, Clark's hand wandered towards Lana's bra strap.

"Stop right there," Lana said. "Before we go any further you have to make a choice."

"Huh?" asked Clark.

"Who's it going to be, farmboy? Me or Lois?"

Clark sighed. He knew that one day he'd have to decide between Lois and Lana, he just wished that it wasn't right now.

"Don't make me choose, Lana."

"Me or Lois?" repeated Lana.

"But how can I choose between you? It would be like choosing between Daisy and Buttercup."

"Leave the cows out of this, Clark. Just make a choice between me and Lois. And don't let the fact that my parents got hit by a meteor influence your decision in any way."

"Well ..." Clark started to reason out loud, "Lois is funny ... feisty ... smart ... dependable ... kind ..."

"What about me?" asked Lana, interrupting Clark's list of adjectives.

"Well, you're ..." Clark racked his brain and his vocabulary desperate to come up with an adjective he hadn't used yet, when suddenly the word just fell out of his mouth: "pink."

"I'm so ... pink?" replied Lana, and tears started to well up in her eyes.

Clark felt terrible. He hadn't meant to hurt Lana so. He should have gone with "sexy" but that just seemed too obvious.

"I'm so ... pink?" she repeated, tears flowing down her cheeks. "Clark, that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me."

Clark smiled and moved his hand once more to her bra strap.

"No, you silly," Lana giggled through her tears. "First you've got to make your choice, me or Lois?"

But, of course, Lana knew who he would choose. After all Lois was just funny, feisty, smart, dependable, and kind, whereas she was pink. What chance did Lois have?

Clark, torn between the two choices, looked blankly at Lana.

Lana waited for Clark's answer until she could wait no longer.

"Looks or intelligence?" asked an exasperated Lana, rephrasing the question. She knew Clark would have to choose looks, after all, the way Lana saw it, intelligence was just a defense mechanism for ugly people. Besides anyone could think, she'd even done it once.

Clark looked with confusion at Lana. Why had she changed the question?

Lana looked with impatience at Clark. Was he never going to answer?

"Pinky or The Brain?" Lana asked, rephrasing the question once again. She'd once overheard Pete refer to her and Lois this way. She'd naturally assumed that he called her "Pinky" because she was so loveable and Lois "The Brain" because she had big ears.

"Oh, that's easy, The Brain," replied a smiling Clark, grateful that he'd finally been asked a simple question. He loved The Brain, especially when he said "Narf!". Wait a minute, that was Pinky, wasn't it? But before he could correct his answer Lana had disappeared into the night. Wow, that girl certainly took her animation seriously.

Clark drifted back into consciousness, and saw Lana still perched on his chest.

"Hit him with everything you've got, girls!" screamed Lana.

Superman's body jolted as numerous super-powers were used on him simultaneously.

*****

Meanwhile, in a kitchen not far away, Lana Lang (or was it Lex Luthor?) was about to continue the story of that fateful night in Smallville. But first she (or was it he?) had to answer Lois' question: "Lex?"

"Yes, it's me, Lois. You didn't think that dear, sweet Lana Lang could be responsible for this madness, did you?"

"You've swapped minds with her?"

"No, of course not. Why would I want to swap minds with her? No, on the contrary, she swapped minds with me. For the beginning of the tale we must go back long ago..."

"But that means ..." Lois interrupted, as her thoughts turned to President Luthor.

"Yes, I know. Lana Lang's running the country. It truly is a terrifying thought. Still you didn't really think it was me, did you? I'm way too intelligent for that, whereas Lana's IQ's perfectly qualified. Now, can I continue with my story?"

Lois nodded, still stunned from the latest revelations, as Luthor began his melodramatic tale.

_It was a dark, rainy night and lightning lit up the sky in fits and starts. As I drove recklessly down Smallville's main road, I spotted a rain-drenched figure walking by the side of the road, a figure I instantly recognized. Stopping by the figure's side, I rolled down my window._

_"Lana," I said, for it was she. "Need a ride?"_

_Lana got into the car silently, and we set off down the dark, damp road. We had no idea of the places it would take us, but then again, how could we?_

_"Something the matter, Lana?" I asked, for I am, amongst many other things, exceptionally intuitive, and I instantly recognized her tears as a sign of sadness._

_"Clark's chosen Lois over me."_

_Suddenly my heart shattered into a thousand tiny Universes of hurt, a hurt that could not be contained by silence._

_"But I loved Lois," I said, lifting my hand from the steering wheel to shake my fist at whatever higher power was listening._

_"Yeah, Clark was OK too, I guess. Great hair," replied Lana, hiding her aching heart._

_"If only I had hair, Lois would be mine," I moaned. "Why must I look this way?"_

_"Hey, you should be grateful you don't look like me. At least people take you seriously, Lex. People treat me like an idiot just because of the way I look ... and because I'm an idiot."_

_"Yeah, but you look sweet and innocent. If I tried a nefarious scheme to get Lois Lane back, people would suspect me straight away. They'd never suspect you."_

_"Hey, I've got an idea," said Lana. "Hey, that's the first time I've said that," she added._

_"What?" I said wearily, lost in my own personal torment._

_"This!" she said, and suddenly my viewpoint changed._

_"What's happened?" I screamed, and then I heard my voice calmly respond from the driver's seat next to me._

_"I've swapped minds with you. It's this crazy super-power I got from wearing this green necklace. I've never tried it before - after all I can only use it once. Don't ask me how I know - I just know, OK. Wow, I'm gorgeous."_

_"Does that mean you can't swap us back?"_

_"Bingo. Wow, I'm intelligent as well. Boy, Lex, you've got everything, looks and intelligence, and I'm just a stupid bald guy. Maybe I didn't think this through."_

_I sat there fuming, playing with my ample breasts, until the new Lex interrupted me._

_"So, Pinky, what are you going to do now that you've got The Brain?"_

_"The same thing I've always done - try and take over the world. What about you?"_

_"Maybe I should learn to drive expensive cars at high speed," my new self reflected as the car span off the road into a ditch. "Oops, too late. Narf!"_


	6. Wayne's World

It was late in the day and Bruce Wayne had finally managed to summon the strength to get up. It had been a long, long night last night and his muscles ached all over. As he stood looking at himself in the mirror, and examining the fresh bruises and scratches all over his body, he kept hearing a nagging voice at the back of his head telling him that he was getting too old for this sort of thing.

The nagging voice belonged to Alfred, and the nagging voice continued:

"You can't keep punishing your body like this night after night, Sir. After all, you're only human. And besides ..."

Bruce turned his face away from Alfred to hide his guilt, for he knew what Alfred was about to say.

"...Isn't it about time that you got back to being Batman? After all, Sir, the streets are amok with meta-humans."

"But, Alfred, how can I give her up? She's a babe."

Alfred rolled his eyes. Bruce was in love, and nothing he could say would alter the fact.

"By the way, she's been ringing all day. If you come across an earring in the batmobile would you let her know."

*****

Meanwhile, back in Lois and Clark's kitchen, Lois was still having difficulty in believing Lex's story.

"So you wanted Clark out of the picture so you started making kryptonite-laced coffee. That doesn't make any sense at all."

"No, you've got it all wrong. At first I wanted Clark out of the picture, but then I saw how you wrote about Superman and realized he was my main rival. The coffee was to get rid of him, but I didn't want Clark to know I was behind it (after all, he was next) so I kept up my pretence of being Lana Lang. And then I discovered Clark was Superman and realized that I could kill two birds with one stone."

"And you expect me to fall at your feet, just because you're wearing a Lana wrapper?" Lois asked indignantly. In fact anybody, apart from Lana, wearing a Lana wrapper would have been pretty tempting to Lois. If only there was a way to get Lex's mind in Clark's body, she thought, that would be just ...

And then Lois' cellphone rang, disrupting her train of thought. She looked at the caller on the display and gritted her teeth. Every time Clark got in the slightest bit of trouble, which was all the time, Martha would ring. Admittedly, her life was more or less empty since the death of Jonathan, but she was intensely annoying nonetheless.

"Won't be a moment, Lex,"

Lex waited patiently as he listened to Lois' side of the conversation.

"Hi, Martha. I don't suppose you could call back later. It's a bad time. Clark's being attacked by an army of Lanas ... oh, it's on TV already is it ... and I've got the antichrist in my kitchen."

"That's right. Lana. The real Lana. Except it's Lex - he's in Lana's body."

"No, not like that. They've just swapped minds."

"What, you've got to go already? Okay, Martha, bye."

That was funny. Martha usually stayed on the phone forever. Still, Lois wasn't complaining - she was just grateful to get back to the bizarre goings-on.

"So where were we?" Lois asked, turning back to Lex.

Just as Lex opened Lana's mouth to speak, his cellphone started to ring. He turned away from Lois, holding the flat of Lana's hand towards her, as he answered the call. This time it was Lois' turn to listen in on Lex's side of the conversation.

"Hello, Mrs. Kent."

"Yes, it is true."

"No, I'm sorry. That's not possible. He's not my type."

"Yes, he does have nice hair."

"Yes, I realize that she's career-orientated, and not getting any younger, and I can only imagine how much you're longing for grandchildren, but me and Clark would just never work out."

"No, I'm afraid Clark has to die. It's non-negotiable. Bye, Mrs. Kent."

"Nice lady," he said, turning back to Lois. "Now, where were we? Ah, yes, I know what's next."

Lex got down on one of Lana's knees and pulled a ring out of her pocket.

"Lois. Will you make me the happiest girl alive and marry me?"

*****

Martha watched events unfold on her TV screen:

"Hi, this is Galaxy Broadcasting's Steve Lombard coming live from Metropolis with the death of Superman. As you can see from our exclusive footage, Superman's just lying there while numerous teenage coffee moguls are hitting him with electric bolts, changing his chemical structure, chewing on him, giving him karate kicks, and lots of other evil stuff. But there's a few Lana Langs here on the sidelines, and I've managed to get an exclusive interview with them. Hi, Lana."

"Hi, Steve. Am I on television?"

"That's right, Lana. Would you like to say _Hi_ to your parents?"

At this point Lana burst into tears. "But my parents were hit by a meteor."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"How could you not know? It's written on the side of every La La Land carton."

"Well, I hope they get better soon. Next!"

"Hi, Steve."

"Hi, Lana. Why aren't you helping in the fight?"

"Well, Steve, we've all got different abilities. I'm a super-intelligent Lana, so I'm not much use in a fight."

"Super-intelligent?"

"Don't worry, Steve. I'm only super-intelligent by teenage Lana standards, which puts me at about your level."

"And what about you, Lana?"

"Well, I can shape-shift, but why bother when I look this good?"

"And what about you, Lana?"

"Well, Steve. All I can do is bounce up and down."

"Well, I'm sure our viewers would like to see that."

"Aren't you going to ask me what I can do, Steve? Steve?"

"Sorry, I was distracted for a moment by the bouncing Lana. So, little lady, what ... ungh!" Steve said as the knee hit his groin.

"Telepathy."

Martha picked up her phone. There was only one man who could help Clark now. Someone she'd rang not so long ago. As soon as she heard the phone being answered at the other end, she barked her orders down the phone.

"If that's Alfred, drag Bruce Wayne out of bed and get him to the phone. If that's Bruce, get your Batman outfit on and save Clark pronto."

On the other end of the phone, she heard Lana's voice saying "Bruce Wayne is Batman?" followed by a maniacal laugh that seemed to go on forever and ever.

"Sorry, Lex. Wrong number."

*****

"Sir, it's the batphone. It's that woman again."

Bruce Wayne rushed to the phone.

"Hi, Martha-wartha. It's Brucie-wucie here."

"Yeah, whatever. Listen up, kid. Clark's in trouble, Lex is in Lana's body..."

"I thought everybody had been in Lana's body?"

"That's what I said. No, it's one of those mind-swap deals like in ... what's that movie where the parent and kid swap minds?"

"Vice Versa?"

"That's the one. Anyway, you wouldn't believe what was happening if I told you. It's ridiculous. It'll be quicker if you just switch the TV on. It's on all the channels."

"OK, Martha, but I'm not sure if I'm up to being Batman after last night."

"I'll make it worth your while."

"You don't mean?"

"Party time!"

"Excellent!"

"Party on, Wayne!"

"Party on, Marth!"


	7. Glove & Human Remains

Pete Ross dangled.

And dangled.

And dangled.

And then he dangled some more.

This was one of the more exciting days in Pete's life.

*****

President Luthor's advisors had advised him, as on every other day, to stay in The Oval Office and try not to do anything. As with every other day, he thought they were being a tad over-reactive. Just because he liked pressing buttons to find out what they do. What was the worst that could happen?

Anyway, in order to keep his advisors happy, President Luthor was sat in The Oval Office, opening a gift from STAR Labs that would hopefully help him with his gardening problem.

Slowly he slipped on the floricidal black glove.

*****

Bruce Wayne rushed to his batpole and slid down it, emerging in the Batcave clad in his Batman outfit. Leaping into the Batmobile, and yelling in pain as he discovered Martha's earring (he was sure Alfred had left it on his seat on purpose), he sped off into the day. His destination: La La Land.

*****

Pete Ross was still dangling, like a plot thread that the author had long ago lost interest in.

*****

The Lana Langs were getting bored. Every time it seemed like Superman was about to croak, he'd suddenly, inexplicably, come back to life.

"I know," said the super-intelligent Lana, "Instead of using our powers all at once, let's use them one at a time. Maybe that will shed some light on the subject."

"Okay," said the first Lana, making him super-light so he floated away from the kryptonite.

"I'll go next," said the second Lana as she blasted Superman with solar rays from the equivalent of a thousand yellow suns.

At which point the re-energized Superman, his cellular damage repaired by the solar rays, flew off into the sky.

"Hmmm. I think I see where the problem lies," mused the super-intelligent Lana, as she watched Clark getting further and further away.

Fortunately, Dark Lana had prepared them for this eventuality. Donning the flight rings she'd given them, each one engraved with an L for Lana, they soared off into the sky in hot pursuit of the Man Of Tomorrow.

*****

"No, I can't marry you, Lex. You remind me too much of Lana."

"For Pete's sake, marry me, Lois. For Pete Ross' sake, to be exact. Even now he's suspended over perilously hot coffee. Marry me or you'll never see Pete Ross again."

"Well, I never saw that much of him anyway. For the first couple of months I knew him I thought he was subliminal."

"That's weird. So did I. You see we have so much in common. Also, did I mention I was a billionaire?"

"Did I mention that I'm not marrying you?"

"Oh yes, you are."

"Oh no, I'm not."

"Oh yes, you are."

"Oh no, I'm not."

And thus the intellectual debate raged.

*****

Meanwhile, Superman had managed to get as far as Washington (just over The White House to be exact) when the Lana Langs caught up with him. He struggled in vain as the 25 Lanas clung onto him, and unleashed all of their powers (except for the solar-related ones) against him.

*****

Batman was in the main building of La La Land looking for clues. On Lana Lang's desk he spotted a sheet of paper containing Luthor's itinerary:

1\. ATTACK OF THE CLONES

2\. MARRY LOIS

3\. KILL PETE ANYWAY (WOW, I'M EVIL)

4\. TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD

After much searching, and free coffee, Batman came across the dangling Pete.

"Schwing!" went his batarang as it cut the rope suspending Pete. Fortunately for Pete, just before he hit the lethal coffee, Batman swung in to save him.

"Hey, I'm glad you showed up. Strangely enough I was just thinking about you. Then again that's been happening a lot lately. Those thoughts about kryptonite-spiked coffee and Lana clones turned out to be true. For a minute I thought everything I suggested came true, but when I tested it by trying to get Lana to have her wicked way with me it didn't work at all. So much for that theory. It's a good job you came. I was starting to have all sorts of weird thoughts."

"Weird thoughts?"

"Yeah. What if Lana turned out to be Lex? That sort of thing. And the thoughts I was having about Clark's Mom you wouldn't believe. I bet you can't imagine a pole dancing Martha."

But Batman could imagine it all too well. Although he wished she hadn't chosen a batpole for her demonstration. So did she, when she finally came back to consciousness wearing that Robin outfit.

At last the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place for Batman. All the ridiculous events at last made sense. As unbelievable and lame as it sounded, Pete Ross' years in Smallville had left him with the power to subconsciously, and only subconsciously, twist reality to fit his ideas. The world revolved around Pete Ross and he'd never know it.

The Dark Knight immediately knew that just as Pete had started all of this nonsense, he must also finish it.

"Hey, Pete. What do you reckon's the most outlandish way for Superman to defeat those Lana clones?"

"I don't know. Maybe they're defective clones and will just explode."

*****

High above Washington, 25 defective Lana Lang clones exploded without warning, covering Clark and his tattered and torn Superman costume in blood.

Far beneath them, President Luthor left the Oval Office and stepped into the White House garden. There wasn't any pink in the garden, just sunflowers as far as the eye could see. But that didn't matter, for Luthor had ordered some pink carnations that would be arriving on Monday

In the meantime, there were the sunflowers to attend to. Luthor touched a sunflower with the floricidal glove from STAR Labs and the sunflower wilted and died, followed by all the neighboring sunflowers.

Now if only something could be done about the white suit he was wearing.

"I wish it was pink," Lana thought.

And then Luthor looked up and saw the red rain of Lana clone blood pouring down, hitting the suit, slowly staining it the most luscious shade of pink.

"Wow, I bet no-one saw that coming," thought Lana.


	8. One Year Later

Clark sat on the hospital chair opposite Lana, with Lois sat next to him, clinging tightly onto his arm. It was exactly the same scene as a year ago, when the doctor had announced that the brain transplant between Lana and Lex hadn't been completely successful, and that Lana would spend the rest of her life totally paralyzed.

Still, according to the doctors she could still hear and see everything they said, so Lois would keep dragging Clark to visit her even though it hurt him so much inside. With all of his powers this was the one time he couldn't save Lana.

Clark sat there silently, unable to bring himself to say anything, as Lois talked to Lana:

"Hi, Lana. It's me again, Lois. I know how you love our visits. As you can see I've brought Clark along again - not that he says much. Poor Clark. Anyway, I thought I'd bring you up to date with what's going on outside."

"Well, as you know, after Superman caught Lex and they did the highly experimental brain transplant stuff between you and him, Lex lost all his short-term memory, so he forgot the secret identities of Superman and Batman, which was highly convenient. Anyway, he's still undergoing his punishment - it must be torture for a man of his intellectual capabilities to do such a mind-numbing task day in and day out. But hey, somebody's got to be President."

"Then there's Martha. After Batman dumped her, she moved on to Virgil, and then Perry, but none of them could ever replace Jonathan in her heart. Clark sorted things out by asking Pete if he could think of any way that Jonathan could still be alive. The next day Jonathan turned up. Turned out it was his twin brother's clone from a parallel Universe who'd died the first time. Jonathan had been busy doing a repair in the barn all these years. Who'd have thought it?"

"Of course, Pete Ross is still a problem, but now that he's in charge of La La Land (with their new recipe coffee) he's got a lot less time to be creative. Still, we're pretty sure that he's responsible for Lex's recent pink carnation allergy. And Lana, you wouldn't believe the idea he had just after he was rescued by Batman. What were his words? _What if Lana Lang was lying when she said she could only use her power once?_ Just imagine - you might not be stuck in that body, but some other poor schmuck. Unbelievable."

"As for me, I've given up writing those stories with big words and settled down to have babies with Clark. Now that the mutants have died down, it's a perfect time for a family. In fact you've probably noticed that I'm heavily pregnant at the moment. If it's a boy, we'll call it Clark Junior, but if it's a girl we'll call it after you, Lana, and dress her all in pink."

"Oh look at her, Clark. She's so happy for us. Look at that tear running down her cheek."

"Oh well, got to go now. Nice swapping thoughts with you. Bye."

_**THE END** _


End file.
